New Year, New Songs

In 2011 I transformed the way I see myself, life, goals, the future, etc. Now as I prepare to step into a new year, I think I need to focus on what worked well in the past year.

Adventure: giving myself ample opportunities to go, play, travel, explore!

Grounding: finding daily practices such as yoga, tarot, run/walking, meditation, and cooking to help me stay balanced and present

Daily creativity: Writing 30 songs in May 2011 changed my life, culminating in a trip to Austin which really sent home the message. I need to create space in my daily life for creativity, rather than wasting time zoning at the computer or falling into cycles of going out and socializing nonstop.

Therefore, I am kicking off 2012 with an intention to create 30 new songs/arrangements in 30 days!

Here are my reasonable rules (as I am moving, starting a new job, etc!):

Things that count as "new songs" are-

-New songs!

- Re-working/re-writing old songs of mine

- Finishing a recording/video of a new song (write it one day, record a nice video or arrangement the next day)

-Creating arrangements of covers (specifically, combining a couple covers to make one new song, medley, etc)

-If I go a day or two without writing a song, make it up another day by writing multiple

- All new songs must have a minimum of 2 verses, a chorus, and a bridge (but should have more!)

- They do not all have to be winners. It is more about the process, and I know that some gems will emerge!

- Ideally, I would like to release one video per week, featuring a new song.

Cheers 2011! Bring it, 2012!

What to do on your holiday away from loved ones.....

Today I spent a few hours eating too much christmas candy and making this video....

Soulstice Searchings

This is my first Solstice/holiday season away from Bellingham ( aside from a trip to NYC one december and a memorable trip to Skagway, Alaska during the summer solstice of 2010.) It doesn't become completely dark here until 6pm.... a much kinder solstice than what I am used to with 4:30 darkness in Washington. I just took a bath in the most amazing tub, while journaling and reading "Wacky Chicks: Life Lessons from Fearlessly Inappropriate and Fabulously Eccentric Women." I highly recommend it. http://www.amazon.com/Wacky-Chicks-Fearlessly-Inappropriate-Fabulously/dp/0743243412

As I apply to jobs and prepare to move into a rented room, I have been noticing myself shut down more and more. I am listening to these signs that this is not the life I want to live. I desire to be more mobile. To have work that allows me to travel and share my light with the world. To live in different places and experience life, while still having a home base to return to.

I dream of touring with my favorite bands and artists, singing backup, playing rhythm guitar when needed, and generally fluffing the crowd up and having a good time. I dream of finding balance on the road, having home-bases along the way with friends, and having "retreat" days planned along the way at hot springs and at friend's homes. I can see myself as a motivational speaker, bringing an important message schools and universities around the country. At the recommendation of friends who travel and speak, I have been thinking about "my story" lately and that I would like to share. I think perhaps I am still so in the midst of it that I am not able to see clearly right now.Essentially, I dream of making a living doing what I love to do: sharing joy and love with beautiful souls, taking care of myself while being active and creative.

In daily life updates, yesterday I spent the day nannying for premie twin boys. They are adorable and brown skinned little Indian boys. One of them was fussy and teething, and he woudn't sleep unless I held him. So I got paid to take a nap with the cutest baby ever. Not the most effective birth control.....

After being covered in drool and baby snot, I changed into a blue dress and headed to Flipnotics for my first gig in Austin. I didn't think anyone would show.... and actually there was a great turn out of sweet friends! I almost cried it was so sweet.

While I still don't have a job and am struggling to make it, I know everything is going to be okay, brighter days are on the way, and I have two musical gatherings to attend this christmas where I get to meet new people. Yay for stepping out of my comfort zone every day!

My First Video Blog (Features New Song "Running Lights")

Austin is Weird!

It has been rainy and overcast in Austin for the past few weeks. It is funny how people here react to it- saying it is so cold (it has been in the 60s), and that they can't believe hardcore people are out biking in this. Yes, Austin bikers get major cred for biking in the rain.... which is just a part of daily life in Bellingham.

The house I am caring for is near Lake Travis. When I first saw it, I couldn't believe they called it a lake. Then I learned that it lost 55 feet of water during the drought this past year. YIKES!

So while I want to complain about the rain, I really can't. They need it. And if I want to complain, perhaps I should just go somewhere that is an actual desert and not just a beautiful forest under drought.

On a lighter note, the sides of highways are covered with decorated trees. At first I couldn't believe it- look at all the matter out of place (moop!) The tinsel and ornaments can blow away in the wind and create crazy litter! Agh!

Then I realized.... ornaments seemed to be staying put, and this is actually a really green way to celebrate the holidays. Rather than cutting down a tree so that you can decorate its decaying corpse in your living room, these folks are letting the trees live. I have seen so many families decorating "their tree" by the side of the road. I'm sure they drive past it pretty much every day and admire its beauty. I hear folks are good about retrieving their ornaments. We shall see.

This is my first holiday away from my family and friends in Washington state. I am not a huge fan of Christmas. It always has left me feeling empty and sadder, likely due to the commercialism and weird gifting practices in our culture. However, I do love being with my favorite folks and eating way too many christmas cookies. I am hopeful of finding an orphan christmas here, but if not, I will celebrate by enjoying a day with sweet pets and continuing to envision and create the life I want to live.

NamasDaisy

The Musings of a Crazy Pet Lady

I have begun a 2 week house sitting gig for amazingly talented singer/songwriter Alyse Black (http://www.alyseblack.com/HOME.html), which means I have spent the day with one of the most beautiful souls I've encountered yet, Tink-

Today Tink and I went for a beautiful walk near a lake, got denied access to a "clothing optional" beach, and just snuggled and watched Moulin Rouge. She burrowed her way under the blanket so she could snuggle next to me (adorable!) Also, she is an anxious creature, so I get to practice finding my calm so that she can feel at ease. She is a wise teacher and I am grateful for her presence in my life. While the cats, Smeagol (aka "Fatty") and Sing are adorable and loving also, in the 24 hours I have been here Tink has totally won my heart. So that means you have to wait at least another day or two before I am posting pictures and glowing accounts of the cats.

For the next two weeks, I am living the life of a crazy pet lady in the fanciest house I've ever inhabited. This house is in a suburb of Austin, amongst lakes, trees, hills, and many fancy homes. The running trail outside the house has water stations set up along the way. The neighbors I have encountered are kind and friendly, despite the fact that I clearly don't fit in with the general scenery. The area exudes an aura of new money and bright futures.

As I seek jobs I don't want, with depressing paychecks, and keep getting denied after interviews, I can't help but wish some lovely young being with a comfortable career and lifestyle will sweep me off my feet, become the greatest love of my life, while also supporting my career as an artist. And the mere fact that I am fantasizing about prince(ss) charming rescuing me from the "cruel" hand life has dealt me is perhaps the most depressing thing of all! Clearly I have time on my hands and am making up some stories, which is not the most productive use of my energy!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and pressure in the past two weeks, and today realized the impact my overactive brain is having on my health. I don't feel well at all, and my negative and anxiety-ridden thoughts aren't helping anything. Since I have arrived in Austin I have felt like I can't do enough. I have been working hard, in one way or another, every single day. I feel like I should be doing something totally fabulous with my life, achieving instant results, and yet everything is happening in slow motion. So I have decided to take a step back for the holiday season. I can do a few simple things every day related to music and my career, but overall it is more important for me to be a good friend to myself, relax, and take good care of my furry friends. This storm of self-doubt will pass, and a beautiful day is on the way!

And so I leave you with this quote:

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Envisioning a new life!

Learning

I feel like I am getting closer and closer to the life I want to lead. I have been interning for Havilah Rand, and I feel like I have found the perfect mentor. She has the career I want. She travels much of the year- sharing her music, facilitating yoga retreats for musicians, and teaching holistic songwriting and creativity classes. She is expanding into non-profit work where she will be teach songwriting in schools around the world. She tours, releases albums, plays gigs all the time, and has multiple home bases (Bellingham and Austin, two of my favorite places in the world!). I am so grateful to her for this experience, and am already learning so much.

My New Direction

In middle school, I remember my best friend at the time telling me I would be a motivational speaker someday. I thought that would be cool, but never envisioned pursuing it because I was terrified of public speaking. After spending the past 3 years presenting regularly as part of my job at Skagit DV&SA Services, I have gotten over that fear!

For the future, I envision myself working toward developing a career involving traveling, teaching, playing music, and sharing my light, message, and hope with the world. I can see myself as a guest speaker or keynote at universities and events, sharing a socially relevant and inspirational message relating to my life experiences. I envision touring and playing my music, hopefully with several close friends/a small band. I envision making a comfortable living. I don't need to be wealthy, but I desire to be comfortable (don't we all!)

I have a variety of life experiences to draw from as a speaker, and I am excited to piece together my story, a socially-relevant message, music, etc! Here are a few, and I'd love to hear thoughts on what YOU think would be most interesting.

Ideas:

-Religion (raised catholic, homeschooled, etc)

-Queer/LGBT (I came out in my late teens and experienced rejection. I dove into the LGBT community and found support, acceptance, and love. I performed as a drag king. I studied queer rights in school. I led a county-wide teen group in a rural community and made a documentary with some of the youth involved. I can pass for straight, and am clean cut, upbeat, and appropriate. I could be the perfect person to communicate a message to those who might not usually listen, in a way that takes them by surprise)

- Depression/suicide (I have struggled with these issues personally, as have many people in my family. I was raised surrounded by both.)

-Sexuality (taught healthy sexuality to youth, part of the sex-positive movement, sexual violence prevention work, etc)

-Feminism (my journey from super religious home-schooled girl to queer vegan feminist: finding balance and authenticity in a world of extremes!)

I look forward to hearing any thoughts! It would be very helpful as I continue to focus my direction.

Staying Centered in the Ordinary Days of Life

It has been rainy, overcast, and often chilly for the past few weeks- exactly the weather I hoped to avoid! I have noticed my motivation and positivity diminishing, as I settle into daily life in Austin. Big changes are coming again, as I prepare to step out of the comfort zone of William and Shawnee's house and into a new living situation in January (with rent and bills on top of my usual monthly payments.) I am trying to stay open and not let anxiety win!

A dear friend recently told me that what we do every day matters more than what we do some of the time. Even though I am not employed, I find myself busy and feeling stressed much of the time. It is so hard to figure out how to arrange my time.

So I make lists and set daily goals....

-look for jobs

-apply to jobs

- journal

-work out/self-care

-play music/write songs

-network, go to shows, play!

At present, I am at a point where I need to get a job and make money for a bit. It is a reality, and I accept it. In the meantime, I will continue to envision my career goals and take small steps toward achieving them. My internship with Havilah is a perfect way to do this, and I am grateful and excited to learn all that I can during my time working with her.

~NamasDaisy!

Marilyn Wanted To Be Loved

Marilyn wanted to be loved.

I am sitting in a silent christmas-lit room, sipping a fabulous port that was aged 20 years and reflecting on the film I just saw- "My Week With Marilyn." Recently I was challenged to consider my favorite "rock stars" and answer a variety of questions regarding what made them so great. Marilyn didn't come to my mind immediately...it took me a few weeks of subconsciously considering my favorite celebrities to realize how much I love her. She has been living deep in my subconscious. I relate to her in so many ways, I have been embarrassed to admit for fear of judgement. She was the ultimate sex symbol: objectified, silenced, sedated, and turned into a product. And I am a feminist- sexism and objectification of women be damned! Yet there is something intrinsically authentic and compelling in her, despite all the camouflage of stardom. And that is why we love her so much.

I realize that I am perhaps not so much a fan of Marilyn Monroe, but rather I am fascinated by Norma Jean. A small town girl, an orphan born to a mentally ill mother, who married at the age of 16 and worked at a munitions factory during the war. Through a stroke of luck she became a model and was discovered. On her way to fame, she was crowned "The Artichoke Queen of California." (Priceless, right?)

She was an avid reader and writer, and longed to be a great actress. Several years ago I read a collection of her writings and was amazed how incredibly articulate she was. However, she obviously struggled with a major learning disability and arranged words in the wrong order, misspelled, etc. (The days before spell check were awful!) I imagine her as a perfectionist, being pained by every error (from misspelt word to untrue line delivery), tortured by her overwhelming awareness of her imperfections. Yet she could turn it on and charm and seduce impeccably through her character. Marilyn loved the spotlight, and Norma loved books, nature, introspection and perfecting her craft. She was innocent and sexual at the same time- which is a trait I seem to have also.

In contrast with Marilyn, my favorite male "rock star" is John Lennon. Both burned brightly brilliant and died young. While Marilyn was tortured and insecure, John was fearless. He know he was good. He was outspoken and opinionated and fearlessly himself. He embodied many traits stereotypically labeled "masculine"- strength, wisdom, determination, and a classic "i do what I want" attitude. Marilyn was by contrast, the stereotypical female: Smiley, sexual, childlike, playful, dumb blonde, and "crazy". No one wanted to see the real her....they wanted Marilyn. I can relate in that I too have found that people see what they want in "the pretty girl." She isn't real but rather a character, and ultimately you have to be true to yourself and "leave the audience alone."

“I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.” -Marilyn

Norma Jeane, I love you forever my fabulously human, powerful and vulnerable friend!

Notes on the creative process

I have been jonseing to get some songwriting time since I returned from the Crooked Crow retreat last night. It amazes me how busy my days are, even though I don't have a 9-5 job! This evening after House Wine's open mic night (which has become my weekly open mic), I finally got some time to work on a song. It was fun and painless to create, and I think it has just the right edge and quirk and heartwarming nostalgia to make it enjoyable by people other than myself (yay!) It is called "Tombstones and Trains" and I'll try to record it tomorrow and post it on soundcloud for your listening pleasure.

Songwriting is like birth....it is a slow and laborious process, painful at times. Sometimes the gestation period is longer or shorter than anticipated. Sometimes you have to perform surgery to save the newborn song so that it can survive in this harsh world. And other times you are hit by a tidal wave of creativity- orgasmic birth! Tonight was definitely orgasmic birth songwriting, and I'm so grateful!

So here I sit. I can't believe I'm writing this, so I am going to use caps lock so maybe I really see and hear and believe it: I AM A WRITER. I play with words. I notice words. I can't help but read words out loud when I see them. For too long I have told myself that I am not enough. I have waited hopeless for inspiration from above, for a strike of inspiration. I gave up hope for years, believing that I lost my muse with my god. Now I see that god is in everything, I only have to open my eyes and believe.

Months ago I wrote on a sign of affirmations "play is the answer-" which seemed to somehow fit my personality, spirit, and soul. Now I find myself in space where the work I am doing is play- how lucky am I! I do not know where my word play will take me. Right now it has me dissecting everything and keeping my favorite words and lines close to me, arranging them in new ways and seeing what I can craft. This isn't magic, but rather openness, intuition, and willingness to be true to myself and shine, and allow everything else to be what it is.

Good night!

She takes her crumbs seriously.

I feel myself unfolding, the story of my life pouring forth in ever-growing waves and turns. The girl is no more, who once sat in attic window staring out at rusty garden cars below skyline, feeling so old and so tired. She spent her days playing in forests, reading L.M. Montgomery and Louisa May Alcott, and keeping diligent journals on spirit and god, and life and death on the farm. She felt constricted yet infinite, connection and disconnection, joyful spirit holding all in grace.

As she grew, she became more of "i should" and "not enough", and she lost her essence and spark. She wasn't a real, writer, dancer, or musician after all, and she struggled to be a real lover and follower of Christ- which was her deepest desire.

Ejected from one small farm picture of reality, she flew into a new college soup of ideas and ways of being, taking on pieces from the costume bin and trying them on for size. Some fit more than others, and all items chosen reflected important parts of herself. But nothing fit quite right and she became ill to the touch.

Ground zero of the soul found her itching for change

Time to give up her chains and be no more restrained

So she ran and kept running not knowing the way

And bled her way back to the beginning of the page

Where she takes her crumbs seriously,

holding on in cupped hands

raising beds and watering for the toil.

Grace in the here and now.