New Year, New Songs

In 2011 I transformed the way I see myself, life, goals, the future, etc. Now as I prepare to step into a new year, I think I need to focus on what worked well in the past year.

Adventure: giving myself ample opportunities to go, play, travel, explore!

Grounding: finding daily practices such as yoga, tarot, run/walking, meditation, and cooking to help me stay balanced and present

Daily creativity: Writing 30 songs in May 2011 changed my life, culminating in a trip to Austin which really sent home the message. I need to create space in my daily life for creativity, rather than wasting time zoning at the computer or falling into cycles of going out and socializing nonstop.

Therefore, I am kicking off 2012 with an intention to create 30 new songs/arrangements in 30 days!

Here are my reasonable rules (as I am moving, starting a new job, etc!):

Things that count as "new songs" are-

-New songs!

- Re-working/re-writing old songs of mine

- Finishing a recording/video of a new song (write it one day, record a nice video or arrangement the next day)

-Creating arrangements of covers (specifically, combining a couple covers to make one new song, medley, etc)

-If I go a day or two without writing a song, make it up another day by writing multiple

- All new songs must have a minimum of 2 verses, a chorus, and a bridge (but should have more!)

- They do not all have to be winners. It is more about the process, and I know that some gems will emerge!

- Ideally, I would like to release one video per week, featuring a new song.

Cheers 2011! Bring it, 2012!

What to do on your holiday away from loved ones.....

Today I spent a few hours eating too much christmas candy and making this video....

Soulstice Searchings

This is my first Solstice/holiday season away from Bellingham ( aside from a trip to NYC one december and a memorable trip to Skagway, Alaska during the summer solstice of 2010.) It doesn't become completely dark here until 6pm.... a much kinder solstice than what I am used to with 4:30 darkness in Washington. I just took a bath in the most amazing tub, while journaling and reading "Wacky Chicks: Life Lessons from Fearlessly Inappropriate and Fabulously Eccentric Women." I highly recommend it. http://www.amazon.com/Wacky-Chicks-Fearlessly-Inappropriate-Fabulously/dp/0743243412

As I apply to jobs and prepare to move into a rented room, I have been noticing myself shut down more and more. I am listening to these signs that this is not the life I want to live. I desire to be more mobile. To have work that allows me to travel and share my light with the world. To live in different places and experience life, while still having a home base to return to.

I dream of touring with my favorite bands and artists, singing backup, playing rhythm guitar when needed, and generally fluffing the crowd up and having a good time. I dream of finding balance on the road, having home-bases along the way with friends, and having "retreat" days planned along the way at hot springs and at friend's homes. I can see myself as a motivational speaker, bringing an important message schools and universities around the country. At the recommendation of friends who travel and speak, I have been thinking about "my story" lately and that I would like to share. I think perhaps I am still so in the midst of it that I am not able to see clearly right now.Essentially, I dream of making a living doing what I love to do: sharing joy and love with beautiful souls, taking care of myself while being active and creative.

In daily life updates, yesterday I spent the day nannying for premie twin boys. They are adorable and brown skinned little Indian boys. One of them was fussy and teething, and he woudn't sleep unless I held him. So I got paid to take a nap with the cutest baby ever. Not the most effective birth control.....

After being covered in drool and baby snot, I changed into a blue dress and headed to Flipnotics for my first gig in Austin. I didn't think anyone would show.... and actually there was a great turn out of sweet friends! I almost cried it was so sweet.

While I still don't have a job and am struggling to make it, I know everything is going to be okay, brighter days are on the way, and I have two musical gatherings to attend this christmas where I get to meet new people. Yay for stepping out of my comfort zone every day!

My First Video Blog (Features New Song "Running Lights")

Austin is Weird!

It has been rainy and overcast in Austin for the past few weeks. It is funny how people here react to it- saying it is so cold (it has been in the 60s), and that they can't believe hardcore people are out biking in this. Yes, Austin bikers get major cred for biking in the rain.... which is just a part of daily life in Bellingham.

The house I am caring for is near Lake Travis. When I first saw it, I couldn't believe they called it a lake. Then I learned that it lost 55 feet of water during the drought this past year. YIKES!

So while I want to complain about the rain, I really can't. They need it. And if I want to complain, perhaps I should just go somewhere that is an actual desert and not just a beautiful forest under drought.

On a lighter note, the sides of highways are covered with decorated trees. At first I couldn't believe it- look at all the matter out of place (moop!) The tinsel and ornaments can blow away in the wind and create crazy litter! Agh!

Then I realized.... ornaments seemed to be staying put, and this is actually a really green way to celebrate the holidays. Rather than cutting down a tree so that you can decorate its decaying corpse in your living room, these folks are letting the trees live. I have seen so many families decorating "their tree" by the side of the road. I'm sure they drive past it pretty much every day and admire its beauty. I hear folks are good about retrieving their ornaments. We shall see.

This is my first holiday away from my family and friends in Washington state. I am not a huge fan of Christmas. It always has left me feeling empty and sadder, likely due to the commercialism and weird gifting practices in our culture. However, I do love being with my favorite folks and eating way too many christmas cookies. I am hopeful of finding an orphan christmas here, but if not, I will celebrate by enjoying a day with sweet pets and continuing to envision and create the life I want to live.

NamasDaisy

The Musings of a Crazy Pet Lady

I have begun a 2 week house sitting gig for amazingly talented singer/songwriter Alyse Black (http://www.alyseblack.com/HOME.html), which means I have spent the day with one of the most beautiful souls I've encountered yet, Tink-

Today Tink and I went for a beautiful walk near a lake, got denied access to a "clothing optional" beach, and just snuggled and watched Moulin Rouge. She burrowed her way under the blanket so she could snuggle next to me (adorable!) Also, she is an anxious creature, so I get to practice finding my calm so that she can feel at ease. She is a wise teacher and I am grateful for her presence in my life. While the cats, Smeagol (aka "Fatty") and Sing are adorable and loving also, in the 24 hours I have been here Tink has totally won my heart. So that means you have to wait at least another day or two before I am posting pictures and glowing accounts of the cats.

For the next two weeks, I am living the life of a crazy pet lady in the fanciest house I've ever inhabited. This house is in a suburb of Austin, amongst lakes, trees, hills, and many fancy homes. The running trail outside the house has water stations set up along the way. The neighbors I have encountered are kind and friendly, despite the fact that I clearly don't fit in with the general scenery. The area exudes an aura of new money and bright futures.

As I seek jobs I don't want, with depressing paychecks, and keep getting denied after interviews, I can't help but wish some lovely young being with a comfortable career and lifestyle will sweep me off my feet, become the greatest love of my life, while also supporting my career as an artist. And the mere fact that I am fantasizing about prince(ss) charming rescuing me from the "cruel" hand life has dealt me is perhaps the most depressing thing of all! Clearly I have time on my hands and am making up some stories, which is not the most productive use of my energy!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and pressure in the past two weeks, and today realized the impact my overactive brain is having on my health. I don't feel well at all, and my negative and anxiety-ridden thoughts aren't helping anything. Since I have arrived in Austin I have felt like I can't do enough. I have been working hard, in one way or another, every single day. I feel like I should be doing something totally fabulous with my life, achieving instant results, and yet everything is happening in slow motion. So I have decided to take a step back for the holiday season. I can do a few simple things every day related to music and my career, but overall it is more important for me to be a good friend to myself, relax, and take good care of my furry friends. This storm of self-doubt will pass, and a beautiful day is on the way!

And so I leave you with this quote:

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Envisioning a new life!

Learning

I feel like I am getting closer and closer to the life I want to lead. I have been interning for Havilah Rand, and I feel like I have found the perfect mentor. She has the career I want. She travels much of the year- sharing her music, facilitating yoga retreats for musicians, and teaching holistic songwriting and creativity classes. She is expanding into non-profit work where she will be teach songwriting in schools around the world. She tours, releases albums, plays gigs all the time, and has multiple home bases (Bellingham and Austin, two of my favorite places in the world!). I am so grateful to her for this experience, and am already learning so much.

My New Direction

In middle school, I remember my best friend at the time telling me I would be a motivational speaker someday. I thought that would be cool, but never envisioned pursuing it because I was terrified of public speaking. After spending the past 3 years presenting regularly as part of my job at Skagit DV&SA Services, I have gotten over that fear!

For the future, I envision myself working toward developing a career involving traveling, teaching, playing music, and sharing my light, message, and hope with the world. I can see myself as a guest speaker or keynote at universities and events, sharing a socially relevant and inspirational message relating to my life experiences. I envision touring and playing my music, hopefully with several close friends/a small band. I envision making a comfortable living. I don't need to be wealthy, but I desire to be comfortable (don't we all!)

I have a variety of life experiences to draw from as a speaker, and I am excited to piece together my story, a socially-relevant message, music, etc! Here are a few, and I'd love to hear thoughts on what YOU think would be most interesting.

Ideas:

-Religion (raised catholic, homeschooled, etc)

-Queer/LGBT (I came out in my late teens and experienced rejection. I dove into the LGBT community and found support, acceptance, and love. I performed as a drag king. I studied queer rights in school. I led a county-wide teen group in a rural community and made a documentary with some of the youth involved. I can pass for straight, and am clean cut, upbeat, and appropriate. I could be the perfect person to communicate a message to those who might not usually listen, in a way that takes them by surprise)

- Depression/suicide (I have struggled with these issues personally, as have many people in my family. I was raised surrounded by both.)

-Sexuality (taught healthy sexuality to youth, part of the sex-positive movement, sexual violence prevention work, etc)

-Feminism (my journey from super religious home-schooled girl to queer vegan feminist: finding balance and authenticity in a world of extremes!)

I look forward to hearing any thoughts! It would be very helpful as I continue to focus my direction.

Staying Centered in the Ordinary Days of Life

It has been rainy, overcast, and often chilly for the past few weeks- exactly the weather I hoped to avoid! I have noticed my motivation and positivity diminishing, as I settle into daily life in Austin. Big changes are coming again, as I prepare to step out of the comfort zone of William and Shawnee's house and into a new living situation in January (with rent and bills on top of my usual monthly payments.) I am trying to stay open and not let anxiety win!

A dear friend recently told me that what we do every day matters more than what we do some of the time. Even though I am not employed, I find myself busy and feeling stressed much of the time. It is so hard to figure out how to arrange my time.

So I make lists and set daily goals....

-look for jobs

-apply to jobs

- journal

-work out/self-care

-play music/write songs

-network, go to shows, play!

At present, I am at a point where I need to get a job and make money for a bit. It is a reality, and I accept it. In the meantime, I will continue to envision my career goals and take small steps toward achieving them. My internship with Havilah is a perfect way to do this, and I am grateful and excited to learn all that I can during my time working with her.

~NamasDaisy!

Marilyn Wanted To Be Loved

Marilyn wanted to be loved.

I am sitting in a silent christmas-lit room, sipping a fabulous port that was aged 20 years and reflecting on the film I just saw- "My Week With Marilyn." Recently I was challenged to consider my favorite "rock stars" and answer a variety of questions regarding what made them so great. Marilyn didn't come to my mind immediately...it took me a few weeks of subconsciously considering my favorite celebrities to realize how much I love her. She has been living deep in my subconscious. I relate to her in so many ways, I have been embarrassed to admit for fear of judgement. She was the ultimate sex symbol: objectified, silenced, sedated, and turned into a product. And I am a feminist- sexism and objectification of women be damned! Yet there is something intrinsically authentic and compelling in her, despite all the camouflage of stardom. And that is why we love her so much.

I realize that I am perhaps not so much a fan of Marilyn Monroe, but rather I am fascinated by Norma Jean. A small town girl, an orphan born to a mentally ill mother, who married at the age of 16 and worked at a munitions factory during the war. Through a stroke of luck she became a model and was discovered. On her way to fame, she was crowned "The Artichoke Queen of California." (Priceless, right?)

She was an avid reader and writer, and longed to be a great actress. Several years ago I read a collection of her writings and was amazed how incredibly articulate she was. However, she obviously struggled with a major learning disability and arranged words in the wrong order, misspelled, etc. (The days before spell check were awful!) I imagine her as a perfectionist, being pained by every error (from misspelt word to untrue line delivery), tortured by her overwhelming awareness of her imperfections. Yet she could turn it on and charm and seduce impeccably through her character. Marilyn loved the spotlight, and Norma loved books, nature, introspection and perfecting her craft. She was innocent and sexual at the same time- which is a trait I seem to have also.

In contrast with Marilyn, my favorite male "rock star" is John Lennon. Both burned brightly brilliant and died young. While Marilyn was tortured and insecure, John was fearless. He know he was good. He was outspoken and opinionated and fearlessly himself. He embodied many traits stereotypically labeled "masculine"- strength, wisdom, determination, and a classic "i do what I want" attitude. Marilyn was by contrast, the stereotypical female: Smiley, sexual, childlike, playful, dumb blonde, and "crazy". No one wanted to see the real her....they wanted Marilyn. I can relate in that I too have found that people see what they want in "the pretty girl." She isn't real but rather a character, and ultimately you have to be true to yourself and "leave the audience alone."

“I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.” -Marilyn

Norma Jeane, I love you forever my fabulously human, powerful and vulnerable friend!

Notes on the creative process

I have been jonseing to get some songwriting time since I returned from the Crooked Crow retreat last night. It amazes me how busy my days are, even though I don't have a 9-5 job! This evening after House Wine's open mic night (which has become my weekly open mic), I finally got some time to work on a song. It was fun and painless to create, and I think it has just the right edge and quirk and heartwarming nostalgia to make it enjoyable by people other than myself (yay!) It is called "Tombstones and Trains" and I'll try to record it tomorrow and post it on soundcloud for your listening pleasure.

Songwriting is like birth....it is a slow and laborious process, painful at times. Sometimes the gestation period is longer or shorter than anticipated. Sometimes you have to perform surgery to save the newborn song so that it can survive in this harsh world. And other times you are hit by a tidal wave of creativity- orgasmic birth! Tonight was definitely orgasmic birth songwriting, and I'm so grateful!

So here I sit. I can't believe I'm writing this, so I am going to use caps lock so maybe I really see and hear and believe it: I AM A WRITER. I play with words. I notice words. I can't help but read words out loud when I see them. For too long I have told myself that I am not enough. I have waited hopeless for inspiration from above, for a strike of inspiration. I gave up hope for years, believing that I lost my muse with my god. Now I see that god is in everything, I only have to open my eyes and believe.

Months ago I wrote on a sign of affirmations "play is the answer-" which seemed to somehow fit my personality, spirit, and soul. Now I find myself in space where the work I am doing is play- how lucky am I! I do not know where my word play will take me. Right now it has me dissecting everything and keeping my favorite words and lines close to me, arranging them in new ways and seeing what I can craft. This isn't magic, but rather openness, intuition, and willingness to be true to myself and shine, and allow everything else to be what it is.

Good night!

She takes her crumbs seriously.

I feel myself unfolding, the story of my life pouring forth in ever-growing waves and turns. The girl is no more, who once sat in attic window staring out at rusty garden cars below skyline, feeling so old and so tired. She spent her days playing in forests, reading L.M. Montgomery and Louisa May Alcott, and keeping diligent journals on spirit and god, and life and death on the farm. She felt constricted yet infinite, connection and disconnection, joyful spirit holding all in grace.

As she grew, she became more of "i should" and "not enough", and she lost her essence and spark. She wasn't a real, writer, dancer, or musician after all, and she struggled to be a real lover and follower of Christ- which was her deepest desire.

Ejected from one small farm picture of reality, she flew into a new college soup of ideas and ways of being, taking on pieces from the costume bin and trying them on for size. Some fit more than others, and all items chosen reflected important parts of herself. But nothing fit quite right and she became ill to the touch.

Ground zero of the soul found her itching for change

Time to give up her chains and be no more restrained

So she ran and kept running not knowing the way

And bled her way back to the beginning of the page

Where she takes her crumbs seriously,

holding on in cupped hands

raising beds and watering for the toil.

Grace in the here and now.

A day in the life of a full time musician and hat maker

Up until 2 months ago, I was a day job person with a 9-5 and annual salary. Now, I am living on the other side of the country in my friend's music room, sleeping on an air mattress and figuring out how I want to live my life.

And I am so unbelievably happy and grateful every day.

I wake up, drink tea, make breakfast, stretch, and begin writing my "daily pages" (a journal I am keeping to help clear my mind, open my creative channels, and focus my energies for the day.) After writing I flow into practicing music, yoga, perhaps a run, and before you know it dinner time has arrived and my dear friends are home. Most evenings I attend open mic nights or shows of friends. And crochet hats while I listen!

Yesterday deviated from the typical, and I am so grateful. I started the day off right with a coaching session with Carla DeSantis Black (an amazing advocate for female musicians- http://www.carladesantisblack.com/). I have been fixating lately on NEEDING to create an album or EP, imagining that by having these products in my hand I will somehow be a more legitimate musician. And of course, there is the idea that I would be able to make money off an album. She encouraged me to record one or two songs and really focus on learning skills (recording technology, additional guitar and vocal skills) to help me feel more confident and at the top of my game. I feel so much more at peace with this. She also encouraged me not to dump money into anything unnecessary. My inclination was to hire a producer, create an album, website, business cards, get pro photos, etc...and Carla coached me on affordable ways to do this while I build up my career. Bless her!

I then went to a job interview for an after-school program in a housing project. While it is a job I can do- and pretty much have done already in one form or another- I left feeling like it was totally wrong for me. I really don't want to go back to a heart breaking and energy-zapping job.

After the job interview, I met with Havilah Rand (http://havilahmusic.com/) to discuss a part time/internship position assisting her with a variety of programs and projects. We went over tasks and it looks like I will be helping Havilah plan a songwriter/creativity group, helping out at her yoga/music retreat, researching for her upcoming tours, and possibly assisting her with the development of an existing non-profit program that teaches songwriting/creativity in classrooms. This position pretty much combines everything I am interested in right now- how perfect is that?!?! I feel like everything is opening in such beautiful ways. Keep it coming, universe (pretty please?!)

In order to generate some income this holiday season WHILE helping y'all buy local and not support the 1%.....I opened an etsy account where you can buy my awesome, warm, cozy, adorable, love-filled hats! Check them out (and tell your friends!)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/DaisyBeDesigns

So perhaps the pigtail hat + flowers is a bit excessive....but this picture is so priceless I had to post it!

NamasDaisy!

Gratitude & (wo)Manifestation!

During this annual time of thanks, I am filled with immense gratitude. I am living. In a beautiful home, with loving friends and talented musicians. I am meeting new friends and being welcomed and embraced wherever I go. I have the time and space to breathe, process, feel, dream, and envision. I have been running and doing yoga on a daily basis, and attending open mic nights and shows most nights of the week. I've also been participating in family life by cooking lots of meals, which feels really good. Life feels simple, effortless, flowing, and natural. I am grateful for this pause, this time to re-evaluate who I am, where I have been, and how I want to live my life. I am excited to develop my intentions and continue to live and (wo)manifest a beautiful life every single day!

Many months ago, my core group of friends in Bellingham had a "visioning" circle and made boards charting where they had been, where they are now, and what they want to manifest in the future. I was absent that evening, and have been intending to make a board ever since but kept holding myself back. I thought I had to wait until I had a nice surface and backdrop for it, with lots of clips from magazines and different visuals to bring it to life. After journaling every day since I arrived two weeks ago and spending a lot of time envisioning how I want to live my life, I realized the time had come. If I wait until I have all the "perfect" materials, I will never do it. And I really want to have my vision displayed more visually than a journal can allow.

So I marched out to the garage and found an old box in the recycling. And here we have it- my very simple and scratchy past, present, and future vision board!

Yes, this is a messy, hard to read, scattered visioning board. And I am proud of it! How often do we hold ourselves back from doing things that feel good, things that help us and others, because we are ashamed of our imperfections? There is power in our weaknesses, if we can get over our embarrassment and self-judgement. Obviously penmanship and drawing are two of my weaknesses....and I could hide them pretty well in this modern day and age.... but I find something comforting in witnessing the imperfect, the parts of ourselves that are raw and scratchy and challenging. And chances are you feel the same way. It is likely that no one reading this will judge me harshly for the rough and imperfect nature of my writing, my music, this blog, or anything else in my life. I challenge you to let your imperfections shine through sometime soon...chances are it will feel great AND you will set everyone around you at ease by being true to yourself!

Artist Recommendation of the Week:

My gracious host William Wallace is a fabulous song writer! He just updated his in-home recording studio and has been working on a new recording of his song "Green Dress"- it's so beautiful and catchy! Shawnee sings harmonies and they sound soooo beautiful. I feel honored to be a witness to their creative process.

http://www.reverbnation.com/williamwallace.

Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow

From Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet".....

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Turn me back into that wild haired gale

My heart is heavy with sorrow, as I learned that my friend Timothy Morris is quickly passing away from an aggressive form of cancer. He was diagnosed last week, and has only days left at this point. Today (Saturday) my friends back home are paying their respects to Tim as he celebrates his last "Thanksgiving" with his parents and partner, Maryann.

We have shared so many good times over the years: snowshoeing and berry picking adventures, countless yoga potlucks, bike rides with wigs, and even a delirious road trip to Skagway Alaska last summer. His bright spirit, stunning smile, and contagious giggle will be in my heart forever.

For those who know Tim, Maryann has created a Caring Bridge blog and guestbook. This is a place to find out updates on his condition, post your thoughts and feelings in his guestbook, view pictures, etc. https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/timmorris/

Life feels like a movie lately- like I am watching myself move through waters and try to stay afloat. I go to shows and networking events and feel like a silent movie version of myself. I don't think anyone has noticed....but I certainly see I am not myself. I think of my friends back home constantly. Tim's passing is shaking all of us to our cores.

I am realizing more than ever the importance of really living every minute to the fullest and loving wholeheartedly. I spend a lot of energy worrying about the future and closing myself off to conserve energy and heart space. Some of this is an important part of self-care, but much of it is a pattern that doesn't serve me or anyone else.

It is bizarre to be in such an exciting place in my own life, while also witnessing great pain in the lives of those I love most. Beautiful things are unfolding quickly in Austin, and I feel like this is where I need to be right now in order to take care of myself (and by doing so, better serve the world and the people around me.) I am struggling with guilt. Part of me feels like I should fly back to bellingham immediately so I can do something. A bigger part of me realizes that there is nothing I can do to make this better. I can love my friends and be there for them, and plan a visit home that is healthy for myself also.

I hold my dear Bellingham family in my heart.

Speaking of loving you. . . I do.

I received news from home a few days ago- one of my dear friends went to the doctor because he was in chronic pain, and they found cancer throughout his body. He has been in the hospital for the past week and we still haven't received updates as to the type of cancer and treatment recommendations. I'm trying to stay positive, yet realistic.

It is hard to be so far away when something like this happens. The friends are making the rounds and keeping him company in the hospital, and I can't be there to support any of them. I feel barely functional myself- like everyone is at a standstill.

This song is heavy in my heart right now- we never know what changes will come next.

http://www.myspace.com/anaismitchell/music/songs/changer-66263204

All we can do is Love.

It's a New Day

Today marks my second full day as an inhabitant of Austin, TX. It is sunny and should reach the 70s today. After spending 25 years freezing and damp in a temperate rainforest, it amazes me to see sun every day (and to be hang-drying my clothes outdoors in November!)

I am beginning to process the information I gained through workshops at the TAXI Road Rally. Two particular presenters had a major impact on me: Steven Memel and John Germain Leto. Both coach musicians, and focus on helping artists discover and bring out who they really are in their music. I have so much food for thought that it feels like I'm recovering from thanksgiving dinner! I have visioning exercises (where do I want to be in 1 year as an artist?), and goal planning to set into action (how am I going to do it? Specific and measurable goals.)

While I am feeling mostly positive and focused, some demons are popping in to say hello. They tell me I am silly for dreaming I can be a musician, that it is unattainable, that no one like me makes a living as an artist, that I am delusional and childlike and in a dreamworld. That any moment the harshness of reality will set in and I will be forced to go back to social work (or some other 9-5 job). I am noticing these demons- welcoming them in for a moment, walking them through the "house", and letting them exit out the back door. I have no need for them.

I am aware of the power of my subconscious, and my need to have ALL aspects of myself believing in my abilities, skills, and mission in life and music. There is truth, power, beauty, and love in what I am doing. The greatest gift I can give to the world if my fully authentic self, acting creatively and with love.

John Germain Leto: http://www.RockStarImage.com/

Steven Memel: http://stevenmemel.com/

Living it Up in LA

As I write this on a Tuesday evening, I haven't slept since Sunday night (nor am I tired!) Shawnee and I had a whirlwind tour of LA and then a marathon drive to Austin, Texas, where I now live. I managed to avoid being arrested at the border crossing in El Paso (which is a too ridiculous to recount in detail) and now here I sit, waiting for Shawnee and William to return from band practice.

While I haven't even begun to process the information received and depth of connections made at the TAXI conference for independent musicians, I want to at least give you a taste of our AMAZING weekend by sharing photos and music by our lovely musical friends.

Ms Shawnee Kilgore, my travel companion, wise sister, kind hearted and compassionate lover of everyone, and one of the best song-writers I have ever heard. http://shawneekilgore.blogspot.com/p/songs.html)

During our weekend in LA, we stayed with our rock star friend Willow in his beautiful apartment near Griffith Park. After spending long days at the TAXI conference we came home and rocked late night with Willow (and also ate his ice cream and snuggled in his bed...he is a perfect gentleman, despite his dangerous good looks.)

The first day of the conference I fell in love with Austin Ellis, a heart-centered, compassionate, and joy-filled musician who also happens to look like Jacob from Twlight. It is impossible to see him play music and hear his amazing voice and not love him forever. Check him out. . . he is a rising star for sure.

http://www.austinellismusic.com/fr_home.cfm

Shawnee and I fell in love with 3 other musicians this weekend, and pretty much holed up in a hotel room with them during breaks and had some lovely songwriter circles and laugh-gasms.

The first of these lovely men is Adam Smith, one of the most fabulous, positive, inspiring, and stylish people I have ever met. He wrote a rocking song for suicide prevention among queer youth (which devotees will recall is also a big passion of mine). He is one of the most soulful people I have ever met, and we instantly connected on a deep level. One of my conference highlights was singing along with him on a grand piano. And making funny faces.

Check him out: http://www.adamsmithmusicart.com/

The next musician we love is PK Gregory. He sang me a crude honky tonk song about some crazy lovings "down at the Starlight Motel" and won my heart a thousand fold. LOVE HIM. And I can't wait to meet his wife and daughter of whom I have heard the most amazing stories.

http://www.myspace.com/therealpaulkoenig

The last man we fell in love with is Saith. What can I say about Saith? He teaches yoga, is a massage therapist, has the cutest son ever, and sings like an angel. One of my conference highlights was being super goofy with this lovely man, running around like teenagers, and singing along with his songs I had never heard before (my favorite being "Now Is the Time"). He has a rocking album with TWO disks! I have a copy myself and highly recommend that you buy a copy as soon as possible. Really. He is so soulful and spiritual and real. . . I love him! http://www.saithmusic.com/

My heart is filled with love and gratitude for these beautiful souls. Namaste!

Boulder ColoRADo

I have been in Boulder, Co since Thursday and I instantly felt at home. I have met so many beautiful people and seen amazing places. However, I am aware that Boulder is a bubble similar to Bellingham, and if I ever want to grow I recognize the need to challenge myself with more diverse surroundings. For now- I am soaking it all up. Prescott's mountain home is completely magical, the area gorgeous, the people friendly, fit, and attractive, and the music scene is phenomenal.

I also fell in love with the Boulder Massage Therapy School and Naropa University's Transpersonal Counseling program. It is interesting finding two programs that seem ideal for me. The decision doesn't seem to be "which should I choose" but rather "which should I attend first." It will be interesting to see how it all shakes out as I continue my road trip and explorations. I am recognizing my ability to fall in love quickly with people and places. While right now I feel at home in Boulder, I might feel just as "at home" in Austin. Or Taos. Or LA. Likely I will fall in love continually through this journey- it seems to be the way my heart works these days.

Last night I played a set at the Conor O'Neil's open mic night, running into friend Scott Leith and making several new (facebook) friends. It seems everywhere I go I am meeting friendly faces and gaining more support in this town. . . it feels pretty magical. After leaving the bar all warm and fuzzy after a night of good beer, handsome company, and amazingly talented musicians, I stepped out into a snowy winter wonderland. The snow is still falling all around this magical forested canyon and I am enjoying a day in the cabin (pretending like I am snowed in). My last Boulder goal is to spend some time with dear friend Justin today or tomorrow. He arrived in Boulder late last night on a big road trip and move back. After I connect with him, I am heading out to Taos to see dear friends Scotty and Michelle. I am excited to explore their enchanted spot on the globe. :)

Namaste!

Getting Found: On the Road

Leaving Bellingham was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. Why would I leave a town where I experienced such a great abundance of love and acceptance, freedom to explore my creativity, and opportunities to regularly collaborate with incredibly talented musical friends? I am so grateful to all of my Bellingham friends and family for their abundant support during this time of transition. So many sweet people spent extra time with me this fall, encouraged me, came to my shows, and supported my journey financially. I am forever grateful.

While leaving felt right and necessary, saying "cya later" and driving out of town took the wind out of my sails. I cried for hours when I left on Sunday, and my tears dried up just in time for my arrival into Portland, where I was warmly greeted and lovingly cared for by dear friends Will and Kai (two of my "Get Found" Burning Man brothers).

After a night of decadent food (chantrelle alfredo and epic brownies), adorable flirtation, and sauna relaxation, I headed up to the Oregon mountains to Breitenbush Hot Springs. I was a bit shakey upon arrival. . . I really felt fear during the drive up, and it took awhile to process my feelings and settle into the groove of the retreat center. I spent my 24 hours at Brietenbush in silent meditation, walking slowly through the forest, reflecting in the chapel, soaking in "healing waters", and enjoying amazing organic vegetarian food. I would have liked to stay two days, but there were no dorms available and the road called, so I headed out on Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday night I found another hotsprings in Oregon and camped out there, before waking up at dawn and driving 12 hours to crash in Wyoming at a hotel filled with hunters- tis the season. They sure love their Fox news. . .

I woke up early on Wednesday and drove the final 8 hours to Boulder, Colorado, where I was greeted by another Get Found brother, Prescott. (check out those matching shirts!)

We have been hiking in the mountains, catching shows, touring the small mountain towns, making social rounds, and playing music nightly by campfire. We saw my favorite songwriter, Gregory Alan Isakov last night, and will get to see him again on Monday- definitely a highlight of my Boulder experience. I am staying in Prescott's sweet cabin in the mountain, next to a creek. It sounds like it is raining all of the time due to the soothing water sounds, but the sky is blue, the air is warm, my spirit is light, and my heart is filled with gratitude.

I am settling into this journey and opening my heart to possibility. Boulder instantly felt like home and I am listening to this. I am excited to explore other areas and stay in Austin . . . but Boulder may draw me back sooner rather than later. I do have fears about staying in this area- mostly related to the cost of living and lack of employment. What is meant to be will come together perfectly. I resolve to spend my time setting fear aside and imagining great things.

~Daisy

Reflections: Before the Leap

What does it mean to have freedom?

I have spent the past 9 years of my young life pursing a type of freedom through education and hard work. While I am thankful for my credentials, work experience, and the regular paychecks and benefits that have made my life comfortable, I am sad to report the personal consequences I have experienced. I have found myself becoming smaller, more constricted, and loosing my creativity. I stopped playing music, writing songs, or seeing myself as creative and artistic for many years. I fell into depression, blaming failed relationships, health problems, and cold dark winters. My body has regularly told me stories of suffering and discontent through ever-present symptoms of discomfort.

What does it mean to live peace?

I have spent the last 5 years working as an advocate for domestic violence victims (the past three years I have also worked with sexual assault victims). Part of my work has been to provide violence prevention education in my community- researching best practice prevention program, designing and implementing educational programs, and presenting to a wide range of audiences on a variety of topics.

As I step away from this work 5 years later, I am left with more questions than answers. I know that doing this work has lead me to feel bitter, angry, and numb (also important and self-righteous). I know that these feelings are normal when facing the overwhelming pain and trauma associated with an overwhelming social problem. I also know that feeling this way is not helping me effect positive change in the world- I am burnt out and unable to think creatively. I seek change in my career in order to be more effective in helping myself and others.

I am preparing myself for the free-fall asI quit my job, pack up my car, and set out on a new adventure.

Will you join me?